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Good Writing: A Warm and Stinky Fear of Birds · 2 June 06

As always, student letters give me joy. People writing in second-languages can be beautifully direct.

The last letter we looked at freshened its content up with monkeys and McAdvertising ; this week’s letter changes subject for entirely different reasons.

Students were required to use the phrases “afraid of” and “why don’t you”:

I’m afraid of birds.
Because a bird dropping fell on my shoulder three years ago.
It was very warm and stinky.
Now I have a a grudge against the bird that did the dropping.
Let’s change the subject.
Why don’t you cut your hair? I think that a shaved head suits you.

Just enough bird droppings to grab the reader’s attention and a quick enough topic switch to keep you from vomiting. Awesome.

Edited slightly to correct for spelling and grammar. Original flavor retained.

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  1. Ever actually seen somebody get bombed from above? True panic ensues. Having witnessed it, I understand his pain.
    — Byzek    2070 days ago    #

  2. I’ve only seen the aftermath. It’s not pretty.
    — andy    2069 days ago    #

  3. I have seen someone get smacked right in their bald head. I must say it made quite a loud slapping sound. I’m just glad nobody lost an eye.
    — Chris    2069 days ago    #

  4. A bird poo got me bad in Peru. Nailed me. It was all gooey ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ – like.

    Made many Peruvian shopowners smile.

    The locals then told me that it was good luck.

    Kevin and Rearick witnessed it, yo. If it pleases the court, they may testify…
    — saleem    2069 days ago    #

  5. You’re so right about the directness another language inspires. It’s funny to think that I set through all of high school in Ms. Mata’s classes with her asking us, in Spanish, “So have you and so-and-so had sex yet?” or “Tell us about your date this weekend” and all of us just calmly sharing intimate stories with each other. In the strangest way, we shared the most personal info in the class and it never left the room. Somehow it was just okay in Spanish. Weird.
    — Maggie    2068 days ago    #

  6. The kid’s right, a shaved head does suit you.
    — Mel    2064 days ago    #

  7. Kevin can’t testify; he’s married. But I can attest that just weeks before wild ‘n crazy Kevin crapped his guts out into a plastic bag while squatting in the aisle of a public bus, he did in fact witness a very sick bird loose its bowels on our friend Saleem.
    — dan    2063 days ago    #

  8. And in keeping with the great tradition of talking about things Saleem did not post…

    Dr. Kevin Fischer and his wife Dr. Beth Anne Champion… HOT. Fischer broke out the worm like he’d been practicing it for months (which I suspect he might have been). And Beth Anne was smokin’!
    — dan    2063 days ago    #

  9. i am so sorry i missed that…. sucks being stuck way out here in desert-land in times like this.

    a million congratulations, kevin (who had better not be reading this given that i bet it’s his honeymoon right now)
    — maggie    2063 days ago    #

  10. wait, fischer is married? wtf did this happen?
    maggie, don’t feel bad. i’m in downtown raleigh and didn’t know that.
    — andy    2061 days ago    #

  11. Mel: Thanks, I’ll take that into consideration.

    Married People: What’s it like being married? Is it weird?
    — saleem    2061 days ago    #

  12. Does anyone else find Dan’s references to the attractiveness of Fischer’s wife a little disconcerting?

    Saleem: Being married isn’t weird until everyone else is married. Then, it’s weird.
    — Byzek    2060 days ago    #

  13. Jeff, are you trying to tell us we can’t say that Yeva is hot? ‘Cause, um… she is. Sorry.
    — maggie    2060 days ago    #

  14. Marriage, especially leading up to it, has to be weird. The last name debate freaks me out. Do you? Don’t you? Should you hyphenate your name, knowing people will probably perceive you as a bitch? Should you create a new last name out your joint names?

    Plus, joint assets/bank accounts? Holy crap that’s scary.
    — Mel    2060 days ago    #

  15. MEL: Hyphens’ are so last year. Ampersands. Trust it.

    BYZEK: Naw, I don’t think it’s disconcerting.

    People don’t just magically become notHotAndSmokin’ by getting married, right? Long as it’s worded kindly, “hot” and “smokin’” can apply married people, moms, whatever.

    And, yeah. Maggie beat me to it. You’re wife’s hot. And a mom. Neat.

    (Dear Yeva, my apologies for this thread turning into a public praising of your hotness. If this is at all troublesome, please let me know and I’ll delete this thread immediately. Word.)

    Your friend,
    — saleem    2060 days ago    #

  16. Wow, reading your comments all the way in Romania provides for a very amusing coffee break. Keep it up guys! :) and please let me know if you have any friends in Bucharest. I am getting a bit bored :) Of course marriage is cool and hotness is even cooler!
    — ela    2060 days ago    #

  17. That is the most random post ever. Which makes it equally cool as hotness.
    — andy    2056 days ago    #

  18. Marriage can be weird when you are trying to first figure it out. But, it is great when you find the person that can help heal your soul, join in when your being a goof, and encourage you to follow your dreams. Sounds a bit hokey but it’s the truth. I’ve been married a little more than six years now, and it’s wonderful.
    — Debbie    2055 days ago    #

  19. People with hyphenated names really are bitches, tho. I’m not saying you should do it one way or another, I’m just saying that if you hyphenate, you self-stigmatate.

    (Notice how that last word is hyphenated, telling you that it’s a BITCHIN’ word.)
    — Byzek    2052 days ago    #

  20. I’m sure Fischer’s wife is hot—would he really have it any other way? The only problem I see here is that I can’t find any pictures of her on Google when I try to find out more information about her, like the fact that she was born in Chapel Hill, went to Washington University, and likes salsa dancing, .

    Nothing on Booble, either, but I have a hunch K-Fisch is gonna fix that.
    — Byzek    2052 days ago    #

  21. Oh man I love these high school reunions! My wife is in fact hot. It is a little scary that Byzek knows as much about her as I do, but not as scary as Dan repeatedly saying how hot she is.

    Being married is pretty cool. All the joint accounts, buying a new house together and generally learning to think about someone other than yourself aren’t nearly as scary as I though they might be. Maybe I’m just lucky because my wife is really cool (and hot).

    The worm may be officially retired now.

    A bird did poop on Saleem’s head and I did in fact deficate in a bag on a bus in Peru. These are undeniable facts.

    Tomorrow I start being a doctor, please stay away from Vanderbilt Medical Center for at least three months, because I value all of your lives.
    — K-Fisch    2046 days ago    #

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