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The Sweetest Little Candy in the Whole Dirty South · 9 June 05

[DISCLAIMER: The following occurred in my imagination.]

THE SCENE: A 7-11 IN Kumamoto, Japan.

[USHER AND LIL’ JOHN, TIRED AFTER A LONG DAY OF TOURING THE LOCAL CASTLES AND ART MUSEUMS, ARE LOOKING FOR CANDY.]

LIL JOHN: [SORTING THROUGH BRIGHTLY PACKAGED CANDY] See, what we lack is better branding… some kind of umbrella name for this whole Dirty South meets Top 40 good-times vibe we got goin’ on, ya know?

[USHER RAISES ONE EYEBROW WHILE TILTING HAT]

LJ: Yeah, I knew you’d agree with me on that. What the…? No Pixie Stix™? How you gonna call yourself a civilized nation and not have Pixie Stix™?

[USHER DOES THE HUSTLE FOR A SECOND, SWITCHES TO THE PERCOLATOR, AND SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS]

LJ: I know, right? Anyway, what I’m saying is we need a na- [GRABS CANDY BAG OFF RACK AND HOLDS IT IN HAND] Holy crap. It’s perfect!

Crunky Popjoy, Kumamoto, Japan

[USHER DOES SOME KIND OF MOONWALK THING, PIROUETTES, JUMPS IN THE AIR AND CLICKS HIS HEELS LIKE PETER PAN. SOMEHOW MANAGES TO STILL LOOK SUAVE.]

LJ: That’s what I’m sayin’!

( The above candy was in fact purchased in a Kumamoto 7-11. It was delicious. )

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  1. Personally I prefer the asse chocolate that I found at 7-11. Have you tried that yet?
    — Brooke    2431 days ago    #

  2. How does it work that 7-11 is a thriving chain in Japan but a dying breed being bought out by Wawa in places not in the southern U.S.? A built-to-order two foot hoagie isn’t a substitute for a Slurpee or a Crunky Popjoy.
    — Mel    2431 days ago    #

  3. Looks like, ironically, the (dirty) south is alone in its failure to recognize that 7-11 keeps it crunk…

    2:45pm 05/11/05
    Shares of 7-Eleven hit 9-year peak
    CHICAGO (MarketWatch)—Shares of 7-Eleven (SE) tacked on another 5.6%, or $1.49, to $27.88 amid heavy trading (and consumption of Crunky Popjoy) Wednesday, a day after reporting robust April same-store sales. The convenience-store retailer’s shares touched a nine-year peak of $28.09 in intraday trading.
    — KE Stock Watch    2431 days ago    #

  4. I mean, damn, if you’d bought some Seven Eleven (SE) (NYSE) stock two years ago, you’d have made your money double twice already (ie, 4X)! Crunk indeed.
    — KE Market Alert    2431 days ago    #

  5. Dammit, I knew investing in pharmaceutical companies was a bad idea.
    — Mel    2431 days ago    #

  6. What i love most about gettin crunk, is that sweet sugary sensation, coupled with the fact that there exist so many various flavors of straight crunk-ness, depending on how crunk y’all wanna get, you could go Crunchy Crunk, or get buck-wit-it-was with that Dark Crunk. Unlike the gender specifics of Pocky, which feels feminine enough that there need to be a brand dedicated to men alone, Crunky has no pretensions, you know what you’re getting, and what you’re getting, my friends, is Crunk.
    ( A side not related to all things Crunk in vocabulary terms: The past tense of “crunk” is “crunk” as in
    “last night was crunk as hell”
    the future tense of crunk is also crunk,
    “tomorrow will be crunk”
    or, much better
    “we finna get crunk”
    no crunked, no crunking, its all jus “crunk” spelt with a C. )
    — WRP    2428 days ago    #

  7. Yep, that’s the funny thing about those adjectives – no matter how hard you might try to conjugate them, they just stay the same.
    — ASG    2427 days ago    #

  8. It irks me that so many people misuse the word. White people go batshit insane at concerts and create moshpits while black people go batshit insane at concerts and get crunk.

    I have yet to determine if crunk is the byproduct of crazy + funk/crazy + drunk = crunk. Probably the latter.

    Interestingly enough, the German world for aliment, ‘krank’ is pronounced as crunk.

    Er scheint sehr krank zu sein
    — Mel    2427 days ago    #

  9. The tragic flaw with this story is that Lil’ Jon’s vocabulary is not nearly that big…..

    Lil’ Jon Sound Board
    — another envious Protestant    2425 days ago    #

  10. Brooke: I have never tried the unfortunately-titled ‘asse chocolate’, though I have been told that it exists.

    I wish it didn’t.
    — saleem    2424 days ago    #

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