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FROM THE START:
The Quarter-Japanese Kid hits up the homeland

Tokyo Silence

I'm Oriented

Tilting Towards Kumamoto

Fish Heads and Public Nudity

Halfie the Half-blood falls off his bike

And furthermore: Halfie the Half-blood Breaks a Chair

I Don't Know if I Like Pippi Longstalkings

Tanboy Eats Fish Eyeball

Japanese Communists are Cuddly

Test Your Halfblood Knowledge!

I Scare Small Children

It Was Like a Cuteworld Abby Road

Today's Post Contains Bees. And Profanity.

Typhoons Will Not Stop Me

The Sun Also Sets

Quick Note: Saleem is Not Dead

CORRECTION: Typhoons Scare Me. Lots.

Watch the Tan Kid Blush

Call for Entries: Name My Kids

The Youth Are Quick and True

Open Letter: To the Breaker at City Hall

Halfie Gets a Verbal Sucker Punch

The Kumamoto Drunken Horse Fest

Japanese Houses Hate Halfie's Head

How to Start Your Japanese Rock Band

Halfie's Personal Dignity on Decline

Japanese Sports Day: I Train Young Warriors

Theory: Three Strange Occurences Per Hour

How to Win an iPod While Dressed as a Typhoon

Winnie the (drunken) Pooh

The Earth Quakes

Collecting Japanese Salmon Sperm

Illiterate at 26

Japan's Children Ignore Homeboy's Toothless Face

Japanese Genius Boy Answers Your Question

Our Students Have Respect . For Nelly.

The Young Boxers

Dear 27% of America (Kid Ethnic Registers)

Please Do Not Attempt to Step to My Japanese Rock Band

The Sweetest Little Candy in the Whole Dirty South · 9 June 05

[DISCLAIMER: The following occurred in my imagination.]

THE SCENE: A 7-11 IN Kumamoto, Japan.

[USHER AND LIL’ JOHN, TIRED AFTER A LONG DAY OF TOURING THE LOCAL CASTLES AND ART MUSEUMS, ARE LOOKING FOR CANDY.]

LIL JOHN: [SORTING THROUGH BRIGHTLY PACKAGED CANDY] See, what we lack is better branding… some kind of umbrella name for this whole Dirty South meets Top 40 good-times vibe we got goin’ on, ya know?

[USHER RAISES ONE EYEBROW WHILE TILTING HAT]

LJ: Yeah, I knew you’d agree with me on that. What the…? No Pixie Stix™? How you gonna call yourself a civilized nation and not have Pixie Stix™?

[USHER DOES THE HUSTLE FOR A SECOND, SWITCHES TO THE PERCOLATOR, AND SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS]

LJ: I know, right? Anyway, what I’m saying is we need a na- [GRABS CANDY BAG OFF RACK AND HOLDS IT IN HAND] Holy crap. It’s perfect!

Crunky Popjoy, Kumamoto, Japan

[USHER DOES SOME KIND OF MOONWALK THING, PIROUETTES, JUMPS IN THE AIR AND CLICKS HIS HEELS LIKE PETER PAN. SOMEHOW MANAGES TO STILL LOOK SUAVE.]

LJ: That’s what I’m sayin’!

( The above candy was in fact purchased in a Kumamoto 7-11. It was delicious. )

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  1. Personally I prefer the asse chocolate that I found at 7-11. Have you tried that yet?
    Brooke    1737 days ago    #

  2. How does it work that 7-11 is a thriving chain in Japan but a dying breed being bought out by Wawa in places not in the southern U.S.? A built-to-order two foot hoagie isn’t a substitute for a Slurpee or a Crunky Popjoy.
    Mel    1737 days ago    #

  3. Looks like, ironically, the (dirty) south is alone in its failure to recognize that 7-11 keeps it crunk…

    2:45pm 05/11/05
    Shares of 7-Eleven hit 9-year peak
    CHICAGO (MarketWatch)—Shares of 7-Eleven (SE) tacked on another 5.6%, or $1.49, to $27.88 amid heavy trading (and consumption of Crunky Popjoy) Wednesday, a day after reporting robust April same-store sales. The convenience-store retailer’s shares touched a nine-year peak of $28.09 in intraday trading.
    KE Stock Watch    1737 days ago    #

  4. I mean, damn, if you’d bought some Seven Eleven (SE) (NYSE) stock two years ago, you’d have made your money double twice already (ie, 4X)! Crunk indeed.
    KE Market Alert    1737 days ago    #

  5. Dammit, I knew investing in pharmaceutical companies was a bad idea.
    Mel    1736 days ago    #

  6. What i love most about gettin crunk, is that sweet sugary sensation, coupled with the fact that there exist so many various flavors of straight crunk-ness, depending on how crunk y’all wanna get, you could go Crunchy Crunk, or get buck-wit-it-was with that Dark Crunk. Unlike the gender specifics of Pocky, which feels feminine enough that there need to be a brand dedicated to men alone, Crunky has no pretensions, you know what you’re getting, and what you’re getting, my friends, is Crunk.
    ( A side not related to all things Crunk in vocabulary terms: The past tense of “crunk” is “crunk” as in
    “last night was crunk as hell”
    the future tense of crunk is also crunk,
    “tomorrow will be crunk”
    or, much better
    “we finna get crunk”
    no crunked, no crunking, its all jus “crunk” spelt with a C. )
    WRP    1733 days ago    #

  7. Yep, that’s the funny thing about those adjectives – no matter how hard you might try to conjugate them, they just stay the same.
    ASG    1733 days ago    #

  8. It irks me that so many people misuse the word. White people go batshit insane at concerts and create moshpits while black people go batshit insane at concerts and get crunk.

    I have yet to determine if crunk is the byproduct of crazy + funk/crazy + drunk = crunk. Probably the latter.

    Interestingly enough, the German world for aliment, ‘krank’ is pronounced as crunk.

    Er scheint sehr krank zu sein
    Mel    1733 days ago    #

  9. The tragic flaw with this story is that Lil’ Jon’s vocabulary is not nearly that big…..

    Lil’ Jon Sound Board
    another envious Protestant    1731 days ago    #

  10. Brooke: I have never tried the unfortunately-titled ‘asse chocolate’, though I have been told that it exists.

    I wish it didn’t.
    saleem    1729 days ago    #

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